Hiya!

OK, I’ve been lethargic. Nonetheless, some things simply demand acknowledgement.

Familiarity with basic programming (e.g. Pearl, Python) preferred.

“Familiarity” does not seem to be a high bar.

I was indeed wondering what my high proficiency was all about

High proficiency in MATLAB (a matrix oriented mathematical programming language), with extensive experience using MATLAB to analyze historical financial data in the equities, foreign exchange, and fixed income markets required.

Yeah, yeah. This one does get better, though:

Knowledge of the geometric interpretation of correlation and volatility required.

Ability to explain concepts in modern portfolio theory using Euclidean geometry and barrycentric coordinates required.

Linear programming isn’t quite that exciting, kids.

I’m not sure that “thought” means what you think it does

Technical Writer/Editor

The Technical Writer/Editor … reports to the [Grand Sebastocrator] or his/her designees with a dotted line to the [Grand Sebastocrator].

The Technical Writer/Editor is specifically responsible for helping enhance the … brand by creating or facilitating the development of high-quality, engaging, differentiated and timely thought leadership materials.

1. Thought leadership materials (newsletters, articles, guides, surveys, white papers, webcasts, audio podcasts, video podcasts, etc., primarily within the [Prefecture])

– Work with subject matter experts to develop thought leadership that is high quality, differentiated, clearly written and understandable to professional audiences
– Liaise with [canon] leadership, members of the [Caliphate], or other leaders as appropriate, to plan and coordinate upcoming thought leadership materials
– Update and maintain the [catechism] to promote our … professionals as thought leaders

Uh-oh, Milton Friedman’s tomb needs a semiskilled worker

I am preparing in advance for the inevitable question why one is really, truly interested in the gig by reviving my childhood interest in ventriloquy. In particular, I’m thinking of bringing along a ringer in the form of a relative of Señor Wences’s “Johnny,” who will simply pop up and say “It’s the invisible hand at work.” I realize that ‘dong’ is easier to pronounce with teeth closed than ‘hand’, but I figure it’s best to stay in the safety zone.

No, you can’t blame it on your parents’ “condo rules”

As some may already have heard whispers of, HRorthosites has been in high-stakes negotiations to bring in a Special Guest Blogger who we suspect might be willing to let loose with a unique and complementary brand of paroxysmal yet hodological rage over the general blight that is the entire point of the operation, viz., orthositism. While sweating this situation out, some head-cooling came by way of the “Top 10 Reasons to Foster an Animal” series from Beasts and Beauty.

Acrylamide? Interesting, OK.

Your speed will increase with experience and on average a 15 minute file takes about an hour to transcribe.

I heartily recommend this ditty to anyone who thinks “$10/15 minute recording” really means “$10/hour” in the (presumably) work-at-home-mom transcription racket. I’ve done this shit before, although for around $28 an hour, adjusted for inflation. I took pride in being the only one in the house to properly credit James Earl Jones when transcribing CNN bits. You know how it works? You’ve got to listen to the fucker first so you have an idea of what’s coming. Then you transcribe it. Then you proof it, which is going to take about half as much time as the previous task, depending on how poorly you did that to start with in the vain hope of getting that sawbuck for an hour of your life. If you have a grain of competence, you’ve just rented it out for about $3 to $4 an hour.

Note to Aspirants: Feel free to contact us for an exquisitely transcribed version of this ($150) or a decent first pass for DIY types ($80). You’re on your own after that, though.

Can I just say Herman Webster Mudgett for now while getting a feel for yours?

Editorial Services Account Manager

1. Send us your resume
2. Answer the question: “Who is your favorite movie character, and why?” in one paragraph
3. Answer the question: “Which parts of divorce records should be made public, and why?”
4. Send us some ‘local’ clips to help us get a feel for your experience

Honestly, it’s this sort of shit that makes me wish the Soundproof Motel on Cicero were still around.

Please describe your experience as a doddering nincompoop

To fully grasp this one, it helps to have actually seen the folks who hold the position in “action.”

Library Clerk I/ Entry & Exit Control Attendant

• 35% Visually checks identification for valid entrance of all patrons/visitors
• 25% Remains alert and vigilant in order to ensure the security of library materials
• 10% Maintains a daily log of shift activity
• 10% Ensures that users are welcomed and assisted in finding the needed staff member, department or meeting place
• 5% Responds to phone and email messages regarding expected visitors
• 5% Prohibits patrons from bringing open beverages and food into the library
• 5% Troubleshoots (e.g. reboots) the entry control system if the system appears to “freeze” and/or “goes down”

• 5% Is knowledgeable and informed about ongoing library events

That’s right, 5% is not blowing off phone calls and 25% is managing to stay awake. However: “Please briefly describe your previous customer service experience within a fast-paced retail, library or similar environment.” The trick here is that it’s hard to come up with something “similar” to a collection of disjoint specifications.

Addendum: I have decided to “test it out” by honestly reporting that I do in fact not have any employment history sitting on a stool to the side of a library turnstile. Time will tell whether making shit up trumps a simple case of yes, I know what the fucking gig is. There was no clear opportunity to expound upon my views of the general role of academic librarians in society.

Just in case you didn’t get the message. Maybe.

Another one that probably could be satisfied with an avocation in home mycology.

Laboratory Assistant III

The Laboratory Assistant III will prepare and deliver all media orders. Fill vials and bottles with media and plug. Wash and sterilize vials and bottles.

Previous media kitchen experience required; ability to work with minimal supervision required; media kitchen experience strongly preferred.

Local 743, I.B.T. Service Maintenance

Does trying to grow mushrooms in my mom’s basement count?

At least Excel isn’t mandatory.

Teaching Laboratory Support

Assists … in preparing and developing labs and in-class exercises to support an integrated undergraduate pre-medical biology course sequence that follows an inquiry-driven curriculum with an emphasis on quantitative and interdisciplinary approaches to understanding the molecular, cellular, organismal and biochemical properties of living systems in health and disease.

High school diploma or equivalent required.

Experience in cell culture preferred.

Expertise in human anatomy and histology preferred.